Guys, I really am terrible with keeping this updated. I just read a few blogs/tumblrs tonight, and decided I need to get back on my blogging game.
I think I meant for this to solely be a sex blog, but my love life is so inconsistent that I just can't really do that. Also, life's not all about sex. For the most part.
So far, this summer has been the best summer of my life. I say this because I have spent it with some of the most wonderful people. They all hail from Ireland, and this had made me all the more proud of my heritage. They have kept me entertained, kept me laughing, kept me drinking, and kept me on my feet. Their departure has kept me crying, too. I have made lifelong friends in a short time, and all of a sudden, have to say farewell. So it goes though, am I right?
Anyway, there was an incident around mid-July. Friday the 13th, to be exact. For some women, this is something that could run their lives for a very, very long time. It could affect their social life, their emotional state, physical state, and most often, their sexual life. It's not an easy thing for victims to get over, and it's hard for their friends and loved ones to get over too. In my case, it seems I have moved on, while others are still grieving. This is frustrating for both me and anyone who cares about me.
Basically, here are some explanations as to why I am moving on:
-Yes, it's awful. But it could've been worse. I was not beaten; I was not killed. When someone else saw, it was stopped. I was stunned when I learned the number of cases where there were witnesses that did not take action. There's a line from Boondock Saints (my FAVORITE movie) that I certainly agree with: "...we must all fear evil men. But there is another kind of evil that we must fear most-- and that is the indifference of good men". My Irish friends have been saints. They have stood up for me, supported me, and taken care of me since that night. It has been hard for me to talk to my college friends and Minnesota friends, because they weren't there. I have become quite attached to the Irish because they were there, they stepped in, and have been here to look after me. This does not make my other friends any less relevant, however. I'm moving on because I've had a great peer group that has held me together.
-Frankly, sex means less to me than it does for others. This sounds absoLUTELY horrible, I know. And I'm not asking you to understand or agree-- just hear me out. Lustful, sexual activity doesn't mean as much to me, because you can have it with almost anyone; what you can't have is that other connection, that emotional connection and intimacy which can only be shared with a few individuals. That's what I find more important and sacred. I now have a slight attachment to one of the lads in the Irish house, not because we're having sex or anything, but because he was there when I've needed someone to talk to; he has listened, and not even tried to understand, but just to care. That's the emotional help I've been wanting. Our bodies are so earthly, and me saying 'I love you' is ten times more serious than me riding you in bed. Again, this may be offensive, and I do value my body, but like I said-- it could've been worse.
-There was no broken bond of trust. How agonizing would this have been if it was a relative? Or a family friend? Or a boyfriend who hit me? I did not put my trust in anyone's hands and have it destroyed; these were strangers, and although I don't feel lucky, I feel luckier than some women, who sometimes are never able to trust another man again.
-I have a life to live. These individuals that did this are not going to ruin my summer, my relationships, and my experience in Europe. And they have already done damage to all of these. My parents and friends have become so worried about me that it has become detrimental to my growth; what I need is support, and not suffocation. I am doing fine if you treat me like I'm doing fine. It's been hard for me to talk to certain people now, and I'm going off to Spain feeling like I'm being watched under a microscope.
-The ones who love me need to see me get better. While something like this is tough on the victim, in my case, it has been the hardest for my father. Imagine being a man, growing up with six sisters, and then having four daughters. This is one of the worst possible things imaginable. And he is angry with my reaction to it, he's angry that it happened; it has torn him apart and put a strain on our relationship. He doesn't think I'm taking it seriously, and I feel like he's mad at me for something I didn't do. I have never seen him cry the way he did-- when he came to terms with what happened to his first born, his little girl. It is truly one of the biggest fears for a parent, and for it to become a reality can sincerely break a grown man-- no matter how strong he is. I need to move on, for myself, and for people like my father-- those who are still mourning, still furious, still dealing with the idea of humans in this world disrespecting other humans in such a way. It's been hard for us to understand one another-- I've never had a daughter, and he's a man who will never understand being a woman. But this strain has caused me more pain than the actual event.
It's the aftermath that has caused me the most anguish, and I really have to get on with being young and alive. I will admit, though, a part of me has been lost. I'm not sure what part, but I'll have time to figure it out. I think I've become a little more sensitive-- about jokes, about stories on the news, and I've become wary when talking to men I don't know. This is good, and also sad.
I don't think I'm a different person though: I still love sex, I still love talking about it, and I still love men. I just think this is another part of my life that will shape me into the woman I become. I am alive and well and going to SPAIN! How exciting! I have so much to look forward to! Adventures and new cultures and new friends! I am leaving so much behind, including that unfortunate Friday the 13th. But just because I leave things behind, it does not mean I forget them. No, not at all. However, we all must keep calm and carry on. Because life's too precious to freak out and fall down.
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